If you are going to stay awake after you eat that Thanksgiving turkey this year, and not risk falling asleep between your table and the restroom, then you are going to need a better way of preparing the bird.
First, a little history is in order. I haven’t studied Thanksgiving history that much, but I’ll try to piece together some facts from what I’ve read on Wikipedia. Did you know that the Pilgrims suffered from turkey-induced narcolepsy? Some of the earliest portraits of Miles Standish show Miles sleeping face-down in a bowl of mashed potatoes.
The colonists really struggled with turkey-induced slumber. Laws were passed to deal with the problem. For example, if a man ate a big turkey meal just before operating some heavy oxen, he would be punished by being sent to the stockade for several hours. The punishment didn’t help very much because the lawbreaker was never awake enough to notice.
The Pilgrims had no way of dealing with the turkey effect, but we have something the Pilgrims didn’t – we have technology. If you want to counter that heavy sluggish feeling, you should really try deep-frying a turkey. Why? Adrenaline is an amazing sleep-fighter. Any meal that puts you and your loved ones at risk is going to be a major pick-me-up.
It’s a matter of risk. If you make a mistake when you oven-bake a turkey, you could dry the turkey out. If you make a mistake when you deep-fry a turkey, you could lose your home, and perhaps burn down your entire neighborhood. Imagine how that knowledge could effect your energy and attention levels!
We deep-fry turkeys at the Streblow home. We do it to save time. You can fully cook a whole turkey in 35 minutes. Granted, it takes me 3 months to clean the fryer, but I digress.
If deep-frying the turkey isn’t enough to wake you up, consider offering to carve the turkey. This job usually falls to a man who has never stepped foot in a kitchen to actually cook anything other than Pop Tarts. But the family asks him, because it’s exciting for the man to wield a large knife with the family’s full blessing. Plus nobody else minds accidentally severing a digit.
Although the internet is teeming with articles on the correct method of carving a turkey, most men improvise based on what they remember from watching that Zorro movie. Fortunately for everyone involved, hacked-up turkey chunks still taste like a lot like turkey. So do turkey divots. So do turkey fragments, slivers, crumbs, specks, rubble, clumps, lumps, scrapes, wads, glops, and microbes.
Let me close with a quick reminder of the origin of stuffing. If I remember Wikipedia right, William Bradford was a bit of a waste-not want-not type and one day he was trying to figure out how to use some old stale bread. So he began pestering his wife who was having a bad day. “What shall I do with the old stale bread? Pray, tell me what do with the old stale bread? My heart is heavy with uncertainty! Why can’t you tell me what to do with the old stale bread?”
Finally, she responded, “Why don’t you cram it up the inner bowels of a wild turkey?”
Not one to understand sarcasm, Bradford unwittingly began a cherished Thanksgiving tradition. I’m thankful. How about you?